Thursday, June 9, 2011

My first steps

Lately I have been finding it hard to express myself in ways that were at one point in time, easiest. Ok PAUSE...Lets talk about that word "Easy"if you click the link here you will see the definition. Easy: not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care providing or conducive to ease or comfort; comfortable.

I have friends and family who believe that somehow...surviving what I have been through is quote on quote "EASY" "Move on with your life... Your young and have a long ways ahead of you...Don't sweat the small stuff...Just talk to me... Go out with your friends and enjoy life...This is what normal people do you should try having fun its so easy." Ok "Normal???" Who is normal and what about life is normal? If I sat here and analyzed every word for what it really was; the depth of each meaning I would be posting all day and blogger would actually hire me full time. 

 Journaling has become hard for me..posting...for some odd reason or another just writing or typing seems like everything is actually so real. Is this person, who I am journaling about, really me? Being in the grocery events...the crowds and people overwhelm me. I feel like I am not in control and that I am going to lose it. Sleep and movement have become like some kind of chore. ( You know the washing dishes chore you always seem to have and hated as a kid) 

I know you all are still wondering what the hell I am talking about. What must have been so horrible that you can't seem to do basic every day life tasks. Sexual Abuse... something I have experienced throughout my life. It has been on my mind ..well all the time really! Not something I want to get into in this post. Just giving you a little back ground information.

I need new coping skills. I have to learn to swim with the current, of my life, and not against it.  I have to set goals for myself. So ok random goal setting as we speak...Goal #1 - Blog...Post  at least every 3 days. That should be "Easy" right? I'm thinking some times in the am... That means I will absolutely have no excuse about not having time since I am always up anyways. Even if it is just a few sentences I am letting something inside me go... something that needs to be released. Maybe I can start to see my self worth and further this process or healing. 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

My first Blog

     I originally started writing this blog because a very good friend of mine suggested I make one for the purpose of following her...designing something beautiful and online journaling. Ok easy as pie right??? WRONG! So I made this beautiful blog (check) then I selected a the" follow" button for my friend (check) and now here comes the hard part.....JOURNALING. Actually writing about my life for millions of other people out there to read.( I will be lucky if I actually have people out there to read this) I figured if you..."The Readers" are going to take time out of your daily lives to read what I am writing, I mine as well put my heart and soul in each post that I do.

     With that being said.....I'm struggling with how to put my all into this blog when all of me has been taken away. I'm honestly not sure who I am or who I have become. I consider myself to be a box of pasta. Yeah ok I know that is weird I have been told before my analogies are strange. Anyways.....You purchase the box of pasta and set it on the shelf... Over time, usage of the pasta takes place....for what ever pleasure the pasta is projects....arts and craft etc.....they take take take until there is no more. Then all you are left with is an empty box that needs to be recycled, when most people throw it in the trash. Then that cycle is continued with the next box of pasta.

       I don't think there are people out there who consider themselves boxes of store bought pasta. I can certainly guarantee that there are people in this world who feel empty...lost...angry...sad...angst...etc What happens when all these emotions hit you at once? When there is no one who seems to one to turn too...When you feel the only option is saying,"Slán/ Ciao /Bye?"

     Well I am Not a box of pasta! I am a living, walking, breathing human being who has feelings and emotions. I am finding my voice. After meeting a wonderful group of people, I now call my friends, I have taken a stand to say  that Saying Slán/ Ciao /Bye Isn't An Option!

     I hope that in my writing in this blog someone out there will realize that giving up on life, on the people fighting  for you and most importantly  on yourself   is  NOT AN OPTION. It's a battle I fight everyday. I hope in the near future, on this blog, I will be able to tell you "The Readers" exactly why I am in  fighting this never ending war. 

     Thank you all very much for being patient with me! If you have comments or suggestions I am all open for such.