Lately I have been finding it hard to express myself in ways that were at one point in time, easiest. Ok PAUSE...Lets talk about that word "Easy"if you click the link here you will see the definition. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/easy Easy: not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care providing or conducive to ease or comfort; comfortable.
I have friends and family who believe that somehow...surviving what I have been through is quote on quote "EASY" "Move on with your life... Your young and have a long ways ahead of you...Don't sweat the small stuff...Just talk to me... Go out with your friends and enjoy life...This is what normal people do you should try having fun its so easy." Ok "Normal???" Who is normal and what about life is normal? If I sat here and analyzed every word for what it really was; the depth of each meaning I would be posting all day and blogger would actually hire me full time.
Journaling has become hard for me..posting...for some odd reason or another just writing or typing seems like everything is actually so real. Is this person, who I am journaling about, really me? Being in the grocery store...school events...the crowds and people overwhelm me. I feel like I am not in control and that I am going to lose it. Sleep and movement have become like some kind of chore. ( You know the washing dishes chore you always seem to have and hated as a kid)
I know you all are still wondering what the hell I am talking about. What must have been so horrible that you can't seem to do basic every day life tasks. Sexual Abuse... something I have experienced throughout my life. It has been on my mind ..well all the time really! Not something I want to get into in this post. Just giving you a little back ground information.
I need new coping skills. I have to learn to swim with the current, of my life, and not against it. I have to set goals for myself. So ok random goal setting as we speak...Goal #1 - Blog...Post at least every 3 days. That should be "Easy" right? I'm thinking some times in the am... That means I will absolutely have no excuse about not having time since I am always up anyways. Even if it is just a few sentences I am letting something inside me go... something that needs to be released. Maybe I can start to see my self worth and further this process or healing.